I haven’t been married for too long but come November 15, 2021, we will be 19years in marriage. I got married to my husband in my mid 20s and like every newly married couple does, we were so much in love and fond of each other. I was head of heels in love and seemed to love everything about my husband; he was my ideal man – he was God fearing, he was so so caring, very protective, my confidant, my friend. He was a team player and he was cute too.

After a couple of months into the marriage, I started noticing some behaviours I was not too comfortable with. Whenever I tried to talk about it, I was often faced with a cold shoulder. Sometimes, we would not talk for months. We started becoming distant from each other. I started changing my attitude towards him by giving him a taste of his own pill. I didn’t understand him and felt I had made a mistake, thinking that I was in love with a stranger; that was how I began to perceive him to be – a stranger . We were slowly being torn apart by our differences. We could go for months without making love because we both didn’t seem to like each other anymore. We just could not communicate or agree on anything. We were constantly arguing.

I tried on so many occasions to leave my marriage because I felt, I didn’t take my time enough to know him; we met in February and got married in November, the same year. A friend pastor encourage me not to quit but to build my relationship with God and pray fervently about everything. That was when the hulalaaaa began
. My hubby became my No. 1 PRAYER TOPIC
Day 1 – Father, work on my husband
Day 2 – Father, help my husband to overcome his weakness
Day 3 – Father, help me, I don’t like the man I married
Day 4 – Father, help my husband to know and admit his weakness; he is proud.
Day 5 – Father, my husband has a problem, please help him in Jesus name. Amen

This prayer pattern continued for weeks and months and sometimes, I would fast and pray on him fervently. “Lord, help me, my husband has to change”. One day, around midnight, I was on my usual prayer marathon on my husband, when God responded to my prayers and said “I WAS THE PROBLEM”, how? Me? I am a good person; I am not as selfish and proud as my husband, I responded. At a point I felt it was not God speaking but the devil trying to make me feel bad. My response to God was so typical of a verse in
Luke 18:10-14 “Two men went up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee stood and prayed thus with himself, ‘God, I thank You that I am not like other men—extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even as this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I possess.’ And the tax collector, standing afar off, would not so much as raise his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me a sinner!’ I tell you, this man went down to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

God told me to pick a paper and pen and to write what He told me. He mentioned about 15 negative and hurtful things about me; some I accepted and some I didn’t because I didn’t see it in me, but He proved it to me in the cause of that week. He told me, “if you want your marriage to work, work at becoming the opposite of all the attitudes and behaviours you have written down. God redirected my pointing finger back to me and my head was bowed down in shame .

God humbled and worked on me BIG TIME that year, because I was so full of myself. I took a snapshot what I had written and used it as my phone screen saver for a year; just to remind myself daily, of who God wanted me to be. I was willing to work on me because I wanted my marriage to work. I stopped finding faults and accusing my husband and started working on me through the grace of God. I became so humble, loving and submissive; I stopped complaining. I read my Bible and kept correcting myself through it. I worked on my quick temperament through a verse in
Proverbs 29:11 A fool vents all his feelings, But a wise man holds them back.

Interestingly, that was when I started seeing changes in my husband. It is interesting how we expect change but are unwilling to do the things that brings change. When you work on yourself, God works on your partner. If you have a problem with your partner then, you are the problem. You have a problem with your partner because you don’t understand his or her nature and you don’t know how to live with him or her. God will NEVER EVER show you how to live with your spouse if you stand as an accuser. Instead of praying for God to change your partner, ask God to help you to identify and work on your weaknesses. Ask God for grace and an understanding heart to live with the gift of a partner He has blessed you with.

Trust me, if you humble yourself to God and allow Him to work on you, your marriage will become much better and enjoyable. God will work on your partner for your sake.
Proverbs 16:7 When a man’s ways please the Lord, He makes even his enemies to be at peace with him.
Focus on pleasing God and He will work on your partner. You cannot change a full grown man or woman but God can. I am still married to my blessing of a husband and I am enjoying marriage with him. All the things I used to complain about, I don’t know where it all disappeared to. I would have been a fool if I had walked out. Sometimes, good things comes in a mud; you work hard to see the gold in the mud. God bless you and grant you grace to work on you in Jesus name. Amen

I am Hezba Kanda
Author of the books Lessons Learned in Marriage 1, 2 & 3

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